Over-Apologizing: How to Break the Habit

As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a fulfilling life, I’ve faced very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my private and professional life. It annoys my family and friends and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still value life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that professional help might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or being seen, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and worry.

Even processing later can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking accountability.

This approach will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.