A Companion Constantly Talks About Herself: Should I Distance Myself?

We've been close companions for more than 20 years, a person who's faced and conquered many challenges, her resilience is commendable. Yet, she's repeatedly blindsided by people. Her spouse walked away, and it was an unexpected event. Several of her social circle vanished during that time, since they had been focused solely on the spouse. It shocked her. She made increased attention in our friendship, likely grasped more clearly what friendship was.

A Recurring Theme In Relationships

In the time since, quite a few in her circle have disappeared without her being knowing the cause. Her previous job became hostile, even though she had been an excellent employee, and she left without knowing why things shifted.

Present Situation

Lately, we've both left the workforce so we're spending frequent meetups, but I am finding my role in the relationship feels one-sided. I start discussion points but she shifts conversation onto what interests her. In terms of politics, she expresses unyielding views. I attempt to recommend verifying facts or other angles.

She has been organizing a trip to a nation I have traveled to on several occasions and lived in previously. I tried to share personal experiences, yet it was not welcomed. She really solely sought me to confirm her choices. I've just ended four weeks there she hopes to catch up, but I don't.

Weighing the Options

I don't want in this role that walks away without a word, yet I doubt she'll truly comprehend the consequences of her actions on how I feel about myself. Right now, I am in avoidance mode. What should I do?

Potential Solutions

One option is to cut and run, yet this is seldom the peaceful resolution we hope for. But confrontation with a view to resolution takes courage and openness from both people.

Therapists recommend applying a useful conflict resolution tool:

"Step one involves describing the usual pattern in your conversations. It should be as factual as possible and basically exactly what occurs. Next involves sharing her how it leaves you feeling. This allows for no disagreement on this point. Emotions are valid, after all. Finally is to question how the two of you can shift the pattern between you."

Remember she too has her own side, thus requiring you to be prepared to listen to her. A helpful technique is telling her:

"It's your turn to speak and I promise to remain silent for half an hour."

Final Thoughts

Your friend may dismiss all you say, as some people hold onto a deep-seated story: they rely on a narrative about themselves they're unable to abandon since their identity relies on it and it represents they've known. This poses a challenge when there seems no easy route in such cases, just dead ends. But she may start out like this and then think your perspective. If you don't achieve a fix, it provides peace that you've been open and direct.